Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize