my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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