Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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