That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
