god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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