dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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