I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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