in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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