I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
