$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
