So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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