I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize