Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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