dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
