member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
