if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
