Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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