Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
