I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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