my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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