I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
