I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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