The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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