Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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