life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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