I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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