But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
