I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the day after is always just damage control
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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