Your tits are I can't wait for
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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