Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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