Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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