ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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