Your tits are I can't wait for
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I AM VODKA MAN
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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