Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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