She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
