when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
