look no pants
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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