I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
