I'm pants shitting drunk right now
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Couch. On fire.
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