i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
