Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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