I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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