So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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