a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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