I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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