Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize