You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
