Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
