Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
