After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
