So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
