counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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