I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
