I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
