I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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