TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize