I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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