I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
