NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
