The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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